Discovering Myself
Entering the next chapter of my journey, from 2018 to 2020, I found myself in a more seasoned role as a mom. Establishing a consistent routine, I returned to work with my son now a year old. Life was on a positive trajectory – I had discovered a workout routine that not only fit my schedule but also aided in shedding the baby weight. The fitness program I initiated took off, and I became focused on helping others lose weight and rediscover themselves.
However, amidst this newfound momentum, an unexpected twist occurred. The joy of discovering my pregnancy turned into a complex mix of emotions. With a history of multiple miscarriages and ectopic pregnancies, anxiety accompanied the elation of being pregnant. The journey, laden with past struggles, circled back to a familiar place – carrying another child.
As excitement embraced me, a sudden shift occurred. What initially felt like gas trapped in my upper body became a cause for concern. Rushing to the ER, an ultrasound revealed another ectopic pregnancy. Familiar yet devastating news, this time carried an additional weight – my tube was on the brink of rupture. Facing an emergency surgery, I had to make a life-altering decision. The realization that I couldn't save my baby weighed heavily, yet the thought of leaving my son without a mother was more daunting. I chose the surgery, fighting for the chance to be there for my son.
The operating table, surrounded by hurried medical personnel, marked a surreal moment. Tears streamed down my face as a nurse wiped them away. Post-surgery, I faced a mix of emotions, including gratitude for being alive. The surgery went well, but my entire left tube had to be removed. The guilt of being grateful clashed with the grief of losing another pregnancy.
Returning home without my baby and a piece of me, the emotional toll was immense. Each lost pregnancy had chipped away at my sense of self. Unseen by those closest to me, depression became a silent companion, something not openly discussed at the time. I believed in prayer, resilience, and moving forward.
Simultaneously, my marriage silently crumbled. After nearly nine years, we had grown into separate individuals, held together only by our son. By 2020, divorce, a new place, and single motherhood became my new reality. Starting over was challenging, but it forced me to grow. Living on my own for the first time since leaving my mom's house brought both nerves and resilience. Amidst these changes, my fitness program thrived, impacting lives positively. Observing my two-year-old son joining in workouts was heartwarming, a testament to the lifestyle we had embraced.
Becoming a single mom introduced a new routine, and meal prep became a saving grace amid a busy schedule. The daily grind of work, bootcamps, and quality time with my son became our new normal. As dating entered the picture, a new chapter of challenges and growth unfolded.
